How to Deal with Difficult Kidmin Parent Requests
Image from Southpoint Community Church
Picture this. It’s time for move up and a homeschool mom comes to you with a special request. Her just turned 6-year-old is starting third grade. She thinks because her child is doing third grade schoolwork, they should be placed with all the other third graders. What do you do?
Another mom who is extremely health conscious. She comes to your nursery worker and strongly suggests that her kid should have the gluten-free, non-gmo, nonfood colored snacks. And while you're at it, everyone else should too. What do you do?
It’s right after graduation Sunday and the newly minted sixth grader who is now in youth is sent by their parents to pick up their younger siblings. They have the security tag and permission from the parents. Should you release the siblings to this almost 12-year-old?
All these situations are real. They’re tough calls for us as ministry leaders. We’re stuck between trying to make everyone happy and maintain the standards we’ve established in our kidmin.
The problem is if you tell the parent no, you’ve made them unhappy. But if you bend the rule just for them, you could put their kids or others at risk. It’s a fine line to walk and not one that I have all the answers for.
However, after being in ministry for a few years, there are a few things I’ve learned.
1. You can’t please everyone
We all know this, but in practice it’s hard. Even as I was discussing this post with my wife, we went back and forth on using the right words to not offend anyone. However, part of being in leadership is disappointing someone.
Create a group of two or more and you’re going to have different opinions. Sometimes I even disagree with myself!
As a leader you need to work to build consensus. But there comes a time when you must make a decision where not everyone agrees. I hate being on both sides of this equation, but there’s no getting around it.
So, as a leader, you have to learn to say no. There are some requests that are so ridiculous and outside the bounds of what you’re able and willing to do that there’s no way you'll do it.
In researching for this post, I asked in the Facebook Group “KidzMatter’s I Love Kidmin Community” for weird questions they’ve received. There are some really good ones.
A couple of my favorites
My child is allergic to toilet paper
Driving her child to a birthday party. If I can babysit while their van is serviced.
Contacting a leader at camp to find out if their 11-year-old had pooped that day and to remind him to change his shirt.
When saying no, be sure to use grace and empathy. You want to express to them that you understand their feelings and you want to serve. However, you must be firm with what you’re willing and not willing to do. They may be upset, call you names, and make threats. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. In that case, I suggest you follow my advice on how to handle church complaints.
2. Just because they’re advanced (or behind) academically doesn’t mean they are socially or emotionally mature
The seed for this post came from a similar homeschool story I shared at the beginning. A homeschool mom wants their kid to be with their grade level and not their kids age group.
I get it. This is a natural, not off the wall request. And to be honest, early in my career, I granted it. But as I watched the precious little girl try to socialize with other third graders, I realized an important truth.
“While a kid may be ahead academically, they are not socially, emotionally, or spiritually.”
It takes time for kids mature and no amount of additional schoolwork is going to make that happen.
Likewise, we cannot speed up our spiritual growth. We can’t microwave our faith by doing an intensive Bible study and all of a sudden call ourselves spiritually mature. God is a gardener not a fast-food employee.
So, if a mom wants their kid to move up early, I tell them the quote above. Their child, while smart, will be much better off in their age cohort than their grade. Kids naturally want to hang out with other kids their age. We may not think 2-3 years is that much difference but for kids that’s a near uncrossable chasm.
Church is about community and spiritual growth, not academic achievement. The kid will be much better off with other kids their age.
This goes for kids who are held back as well. I always get an embarrassed chuckle when I say kids can’t fail church. We don’t even use that language in school anymore. Regardless, if a kid does have to repeat a grade, they don’t in kidmin. They can move up with their peers.
Remember, community and spiritual growth, not achievement.
Oh, and that sixth grader who wants to pick up their siblings? That’s a no too. They’re not mature enough. They must be 14 or older.
3. If the parent wants the accommodation, ask if they can provide it
Many of the comments in the Facebook feed had to do with special accommodations for their kids. When I say “accommodations,” I’m not talking about kids with special needs. We need to do all we can to make them feel welcomed and loved. I talk about how I do that in this post.
What I am talking about is a relatively normal kid whose parent asks for special treatment. And that treatment affects more than their kid. Or it’s way out of the normal requests for a kidmin leader. (Looking at you, commenter who had to babysit while the parent’s van was being serviced.)
The truth is many of these request we can fulfill. It shows we care.
In my own ministry my candy rule was always “fruity, chewy.” Because so many chocolate items either have nuts or are exposed to them, I don't serve it. I don’t want to accidentally expose a kid who’s allergic. Also, some parents worry about choking hazards especially for the younger ones. Kids are far less likely to choke on a Starburst than a Jolly Rancher. Thus the “fruity, chewy “rule.
However, I had one kid who had Celiac Disease. They couldn’t have any gluten, ever. The parents were gracious and never asked too much. But whenever we provided a snack, they brought their own. Also, if the kid earned a reward that involved food, one of us would check the label to make sure it was ok for the child to consume.
So, if you have a parent asking for special treatment, don’t just blindly say yes. Investigate and find out the best possible solution for you, the ministry, and the family.
Can the parents provide their own snacks?
Can the parents come on the trip to make sure the kid gets what they need?
Can the child monitor their own needs?
Some parents will ask you to do the most outrageous things. But if you kindly explain to them what you can and cannot do and find a viable solution, you’ll be far better off. You can't bend over backwards to accommodate every whim. You need to focus on the work of kidmin: Developing an authentic faith in Christ that will last a lifetime.
It won’t be easy. And some people will get upset. But as Nehemiah said in Nehemiah 6:3, I am doing a great work, and I can’t come down. Stick to your guns and do what’s best for everyone.
