When a Volunteer Chooses to Sin
This is a tough subject and one that’s been on my idea list for quite some time. But in ministry sometimes you have to deal with volunteers living in sin. It’s not fun, and there have been major abuses in the church. However, if we’re to follow Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18 it’s something we have to do.
The key throughout this process is to approach with humility and grace. You want to set the person up for restoration and reconciliation. Not add to the long list of church hurt. With this in mind here are some guidelines.
1. Set expectations at the beginning
Serving in ministry and especially in kidmin is a privilege. We want everyone to serve in their giftings. But if they’re not representing Christ inside and outside the church, then we don’t want to hold them up as examples. That doesn’t mean a person has to be perfect before they ever serve. Far from it. I wouldn’t be serving if that was the standard.
However, the person needs to be working toward repentance and freedom. If they’re openly living in sin, then that’s a disqualification. So, before any feelings get hurt, set expectations on the front end. Talk about what appropriate behavior is and what disqualifies a person from serving in the orientation process. I outline mine in my policy manual. I also use a leadership honor code I got from Church of the Highlands. I ask all my leaders and front-facing volunteers to sign, including kidmin volunteers.
By setting the expectations at the beginning, when sin does show up, you have a signed document stating that they won’t do these things. They won’t be blindsided by an expectation that was never expressed.
I will say there may be push back from people wanting to serve anyway. This is a discipleship issue. Jesus loved and accepted everyone, and he called them to repentance. Zacchaeus is Exhibit A. You don’t have to do the work of the Holy Spirit, but you do need to call it out. There may be other churches that accept that behavior, but not here. Which brings me to the next step.
2. Confront early
I’ll be honest. I hate having these conversations and probably let way more go than I should. However, if there is a problem on your team, the longer you let it fester, the more damage it can cause. Not just to the person, but also your team. Leaving the sin out in the open because you don’t want to have conversation sends the message that the behavior is ok. You’re communicating that standards don’t really matter. Some of them know what’s going on long before you do. They’re waiting for you as the leader to step up and say something. Leaders have to do hard things. And these conversations are one of them.
When you have this meeting, do it privately. The hallway is not the right place. Call them into an office or other private space where you can speak discreetly. Typically, the behaviors we’re talking about are ongoing sin issues not a one-time failure. A one-time failure may need to get a mention or ask the question, “what happened?” Offer some advice and move on. If it’s an ongoing issue, then more needs to be done.
Before you have the conversation, you should discuss this with your pastor to make sure they’re on board. If this goes poorly they most definitely will hear about it. Don’t surprise them. Let them know what’s going on and ask for their input. They may tell you to leave it alone, ask to join, or take over completely. That’s ok. You need their input before you get started.
Don’t have the conversation one-on-one. You need a third party for accountability on both sides. They don’t have to say anything. They just need to be there. Especially if you’re meeting with someone of the opposite sex. If both of you speak then that could look like ganging up on them and that makes everyone uncomfortable. Rather, mention why they’re there and what role they’re going to play. They’re there for safety, not to hurt anyone.
Make a plan of what you’re going to say and talk it over with the person who’s coming with you. Pray for God’s wisdom and grace. Then call the meeting. Don’t beat around the bush. Speak clearly and set expectations at the beginning. Sometimes we try to soften the blow by being vague, but that’s not helpful to either of you. Being clear is being kind.
So instead of saying:
"We feel like maybe you should take a break for a bit."
Say:
"Because of [specific behavior], we need you to step away from serving for [timeframe] so you can focus on your health and restoration."
3. Plan out consequences
The conversation needs to end with clear expectations going forward as implied in the script above. You may need to lower the volunteers serving ability or ask them to sit out for a few months. I’ve said before you can only serve out of your overflow. The volunteer may be overwhelmed in ministry or life and using the sin to cope with the stress.
If this is a legal or safety issue, then you need to talk about those consequences as well. Safety in kidmin is paramount. If a volunteer does something that endangers your kids, then you need to be clear what the repercussions will be.
Asking a volunteer to step back may put you in a bind because now you have a volunteer gap. But it’s for the health of the volunteer and the ministry. Don’t wear accepting their sin like a badge of honor. Then you’re like the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 5. Rather, call it out and give the volunteer the appropriate space to repent and heal.
In addition, there are two separate timelines you need to discuss, especially if you’re asking them to sit for a while. The first is how long before they’re allowed to serve again. And the second is how long before they can lead. There needs to be benchmarks they meet before they can do either. Things like regular church attendance, Bible reading, prayer, and accountability. Communicate these clearly and make sure the volunteer agrees. Your goal here is restoration and a clear path makes it possible.
Throughout the probationary period, check in with the volunteer regularly. This can be as simple as a phone call, an invitation to coffee, or involved as Biblical counseling. Whatever you’re comfortable with and qualified for. You don’t want them to feel like they’re ostracized. They’re still welcome but working through their issues. You’re giving them space to do that. Reaching out shows that you still care.
4. Give time for healing
The initial meeting will almost always end in hurt feelings. That’s what makes these conversations so hard. So, give time for healing. As Paul said in Galatians 6:1
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Don’t follow up immediately. Give it a few days or a week and then reach out. You don’t want to follow up too early when feelings are still fresh or too long when they feel like they’ve been forgotten. The key in this period is to disciple. If they’re repentant, then you can guide them towards restoration. If not, then further discipline may need to happen. Either way, you’re there, walking with them as Jesus does with you.
I can’t say how long the consequences should last. That depends on the transgression and what you and your pastor decide. It could be as little as a month or a year or more. It needs to give adequate time for healing and expressed at the beginning. Never leave the time open-ended.
Having these types of conversations is tough. They may cause your volunteer to leave the church or even the faith. Both are tragedies. But that’s not a reason to not do them. We as leaders are called to have them. (2 Timothy 4:2, Titus 1:13). Then we have to deal with the fallout. The key is to go with humility and grace. Open the door for discipleship with restoration and reconciliation as the goal. At the end hopefully you don’t just have a restored volunteer, but a strong disciple of Christ.
